Wasteland Survival Guide: The Essentials
by Zay-el
Summary: And here it is! The sequel to the best, weirdest, most dangerous Post-War book! Be advised, it is entirely a work of fiction and should NEVER be tried, indoors or outdoors, or by adults or children. Read and be safe!
1. Foreword

I've been playing Fallout 3 for a while now on my roommate's laptop, and I felt that if there was something this game had a feeling for, was humor. Serious or not, some things in it are enough to make you simply explode in laughter. One of them was our favorite little nutcase, Moira Brown, who sends you on the weirdest assignments I could ever imagine. XD So, I decided she could really use a little addition to her 'life's work'. X3

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_**Wasteland Survival Guide: The Essentials**_

_**Foreword**_

Hello and welcome once more! Due to overwhelming success of the first edition of the Wasteland Survival Guide, I've decided to finally complete the long-awaited sequel for it. Let me just state, it's been quite fun, not to mention rewarding to pass on all the knowledge I've gathered over a while, to those unfortunates who might still be struggling with their everyday lives.

To most readers' misfortune though, the proclaimed free give-away of this book was held in Megaton only. The residents here were overjoyed to grab the newest edition. Here are a few comments recorded by yours truly:

"_This book is unbelievable...it increased my business tenfold, with the amount of people coming to me nowadays, from trying out the things they've read. Yay me." (Doc Church, doctor)_

"_Uh...,yeah, nice." (Jericho, resident)_

"_If you're looking for any sort of discount in Craterside Supply, be sure to buy this book first..." (Lucy West, resident)_

"_Take on the entire Capital Wastelands using this book, and you're bound to find it a great asset in bad situations...if nothing else, then aim it at the enemy's head for distraction." (Lucas Simms, sheriff-mayor)_

So, as you could deduct the fact easily, the previous installment made many lives much more easier and bearable out there in the Wastes. Of course, I simply cannot take all the credit, since most of the recorded experiments were conducted by my trusty lab assistant, whom you all know as the brave test-subject and relentless scavenger mentioned in almost every single page of the original volume.

Battered, bloody, broken and beaten many times, he still continued to finish up every little bit of experiment I've asked him to, even if that meant running headfirst against robots, or letting his DNA get more torn up as an old spider's web. A truly devoted person he is, both to humanity and science, above all!

Reluctant still to reveal his identity to the known public though, I shall continue to refer to him as Wanderer, to keep him from staying as 'That Guy'. That should cover up his real persona quite well, if I may say so. He firmly requested for his name never to be mentioned in these pages...such a shy person, isn't he?

Amongst these pages, you shall find another batch of particularly useful information, generally concerning unusual, peculiar, exciting and insightful experiences our Wanderer had in the Capital Wastelands. Tales of skill, brave experimentations, almost horrendous sacrifices and trials, all for the benefit of humankind. Examples include:

_'How to avoid sniper-shots with the least of risk?'_

_'Super-Mutant Diplomacy.'_

_'Dos and don'ts in the Capital Wastelands.'_

_'Things that go 'moo' and are NOT Brahmin.'_

Such exciting themes, am I right? With our ever-present and active Wanderer, work was quickly completed for these chapters...even though in some cases, the actual resting time of our favorite lab assistant was longer than the experiment itself. Even though he might have expressed some very slight, barely audible discomfort at times, all it took is a gentle nudge to get him on the job once more.

To those new to the title, I very much hope you've purchased the original book as well, otherwise you'd miss out on quite some useful info about Mirelurks, radiation, history and such. I daresay, not reading this series is a crime against survival!

Seriously though, I very much hope all of you will continue to enjoy this series, as at this moment, I'm already working on a third installment even! I can already hear many of you squeal in delight of hearing that, as I know that no one can do without a handy advice every now and then, if you wish to avoid a gruesome and untimely death.

To wish all an exciting read, here's a few introductory words from our brave explorer:

"_Life in a barren wasteland is never easy...in all honesty, everyone can benefit from a tiny bit of advice every now and then. The only one I wish to give right now though, is that if you value your lives, please, rely on your OWN experiences instead!!--"_

Yours truly,  
Moira Brown


	2. Chapter 1: Duuuuude

First chapter up for all to enjoy! 8D I have to admit, I almost missed having a mission like this, after the ones that required you to get wounded, or irradiated. XD; I made up most of the symptoms these drugs might give, usually judging by their primary bonus, or in some cases, the name itself. Hope you'll like it!

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Chapter 1: Duuuuude...**_

Without doubt, each and every one of us had run-ins with certain chemicals, in our (hopefully-)long lives out here in the Capital Wastelands. These chemicals range from harmless, to the kind that turns you into a human wreck. But just what DOES this stuff really do?

In the first chapter of this volume, I shall give a deeper insight into these well-known, well-used, well-dangerous, but never truly understood chemicals. Along with my trusty lab assistant, you will come to learn which drugs are fairly okay to try, and which fall into the 'don't even think about it' category. Since the imagination of people as to how to destroy themselves is endless, we probably won't be able to show them all, but we certainly tried!

**Each of the listed chemicals have been tried out by a professional lab assistant with great field experience. Do NOT attempt to copy this experiment, unless you're already in a needy situation! The Wasteland Survival Guide does not assure that you'll remain unharmed.**

Here we go then!

_**Subject #1: Buffout**_

'More muscle, better chances' is a slogan that has been repeated by more people than one could possibly count(ghouls less likely though, no offense there). It does hold some truth though, as it is a proven fact that with strength can usually directly effect your survival chances. It's never a bad thing if you can lift something from your way, or even -although not advised- to simply punch an undesirable.

Despite the constant debate whether strength or knowledge is better, it's an indisputable fact that a strong person can do miracles out in the Wastes, if the opportunity is right. Which is exactly why our first little chemical exists to help with.

Buffout comes in a bottle, filled with little brown-yellow pills. All you have to do is swallow a handful of them with a glass of water (optional, and not included), and presto! You're a walking pile of muscle, capable of shattering anything from a toy car, to a wooden box. Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it?

Well, think again. Buffout, while definitely a useful and popular drug, it also carries grave dangers, which are usually only discovered, once it's far too late. Like all known chemicals, it carries the risk of needing more and more in time for its effect to show, thus prompting a nasty addiction to it. It's like carrying a gun you know will explode sooner or later in your hands, but you only use it even more, till it happens.

My brave and courageous lab assistant agreed to become the test subject for Buffout consumption, which involves getting addicted to it first, of course. For best studies, I have made notes of his behavior and noticeable changes, dating from one hour, to one day, after taking the pills. Here are several excerpts from it:

_Hour 1: The pills seemed to have taken effect finally. For complete effects, Wanderer took an entire bottle at once, which contained approximately 30 pills(5 are needed for one dose). To make completely sure, I even morseled a teeny-weeny amount into the water he drank it up with, as well(15 pills). It seems to be working well though._

_Test subject is close to completing 1000 push-ups, and says he'll move on to sit-ups right after. He's doing them almost faster than I can count...he's already at 50 sit-ups by now. Apparently, Buffout not only boosts one's physical strength, but also his endurance, although it might be that it merely doesn't register in his mind._

_Hour 2: [notes incomprehensible, as it was hard to write while Wanderer used me and the chair I was sitting on, to weight lift, even though he held the table in his other hand as well.]_

_Hour 6: Subject is currently fixing up the holes in the wall, after I gave him a wooden box for a punching bag, and he punched through it, along with the wall..._

_His movements are finally slowing down a little bit, which seems to be a sign of the drug slowly losing effects. I'm curious to see what will happen now._

_Hour 12: The drug seemed to have left his system permanently now. Subject is a bit woozy and sore, but otherwise unharmed. Mental functions normal, disapproving any connection between muscles and brain activity, apparently. I will now begin to observe the effects of addiction from now on._

_Note taken short; subject is screaming for painkillers again. Probably caused by the exercises._

_Hour 24: Addiction is 100% clear now. Wanderer has been unable to move for the past hour, too weak to even climb out of his bed. When 'accidentally' getting out of it, can only show movements similar to worms. Rather amusing to watch._

_Hour 36: Subject is now too weak to raise a pen, or speak even, thus unable to further comment on his condition. Heart-rate has dropped to near-half, though seems perfectly alive, despite that. The whines of pain are probably just form hallucinations, anyway. I have sufficient data now though, thanks to him._

_P.S. Just gave him a glass of water, but he was too weak to even grasp the glass. Ah well, science needs sacrifices, even if it was Grandma's glass._

_I think it's time to pay a visit to Doc Church..._

As you can see, while Buffout has truly great assets, it's drawbacks are immense as well. Tear yourself away, and you'll find yourself weaker than a half-dead Radroach. Wandered recovered from his addiction fairly fast after it, and swore to himself never to look into the mirror to examine his muscles, ever again. Serves one right for wishing for more, don't you agree?

_**Subject #2: Mentats**_

The polar opposite of Buffout, Mentat pills were made to enhance one's ability to think, to use logic skills, and to grow overall smart. Contrary to Buffout, they come on small packages, usually containing 10-16 pills. Their color can vary, as above the original Mentats, several 'flavors' were introduced as well, although these only appear very rarely and are more of a luxury drug, than the common folks' chem.

Although a powerful mind-enhancing drug, it should never be forgotten that like all others, it carries certain risks. As the popular rumor says, every egghead carries a package of Mentats with them, it's obvious that in some cases, they're definitely an asset. Need a computer hacked, or a mine disarmed, but you've just forgotten which wire to tweak? Mentat is your answer the the problem!

As long as it doesn't kill you of course...

Now, just as with Buffout, here are a few notes taken, after Wanderer was exposed to these chemicals in a larger dose. Because of its power, only half of the original amount was used(along with several extra ones in the water again, although he was getting suspicious by this time).

_Hour 1: Subject is showing signs of the drug working. After asking for a sheet of paper, he'd written out the complete circuiting of his robot, Wadsworth, along with the possible blueprints for it. Mental capabilities seems astounding, as he's showing knowledge impossible to argue with...of course, I didn't really wish to, as this test was not about intellectual debates._

_Hour 2: Wanderer continues his thorough pursue of knowledge. By the time I bring him a book, he's already halfway with another. Another dozen papers were used, as he drew a map of the Capital Wastelands out of memory._

_He has also started rambling something about a device he addressed simply as G.E.C.K., and claims he knows how to make a perfectly working version out of it, using only Wadsworth, a Hunting Rifle, and a Radscorpion Poison Gland. As I couldn't provide him the needed goods, he merely responded with a few words of mockery(or at least they sounded such, as I've never heard them before), and continued sketching up the blueprints for something he called a 'spaceship'._

_Hour 6: Subject's arm is aching from all the writing by now, and has finally stopped scribbling. I plan to place his sketches in a safe place, in case some true egghead might come and confirm that they're only stupid ramblings. He's showing signs of the drug weakening, mostly complaining of a nasty headache._

_Hour 12: Drug no longer active. Wanderer has been spending the past few minutes lying on the ground and screaming, holding his head like it'd explode. He speaks of 'g*****n headache', and is almost begging for me to put a bullet through his head._

_Hour 24: Addiction is showing some pretty nasty signs. Subject is no longer suffering from headaches, but seems to be having 'slight-to-oh god...' problems with remembering things, especially longer number lines, starting from the second digit. Will continue to observe for a tiny while._

_Hour 36: Subject seems to be having serious memory problems by now. Even after telling him his name, it takes several minutes till he just understands the words I'm telling him, not to mention he keeps forgetting it right after. Memory span has decreased to about a minute, making it hard to ask him for any further input._

_Looks like Doc Church is going to have some work again...I wonder if he'll give me a discount, for the sake of science._

Lesson learned, my faithful readers. Knowledge is power, but for this price, you'd better be off buying a few books instead, especially as Wanderer seemed to be doing too many incomprehensible rambling, which are definitely nothing but elaborate dreaming, or hallucinations.

All in all, I'm sure all of you will think twice from now on, before you'd take one of these. As my lab ra-...assistant showed, it's better to learn everything on their own, instead of using these little pills. Not only will they fry your brain, but anyone who hears you, will only think of your as a complete idiot. Happy learning!

_**Subject #3: Jet**_

Third on the list is the drug we all probably know, use, fear or revere the most. The 'poor man's heaven', as they tend to address it many times, Jet actually does provide this kind of feeling, once inhaled. You've heard it right: inhaled. Unlike Buffout, or Mentats, Jet doses are used through an inhaler, and shows its effects almost twice as fast as any other regular drug.

On the irradiated side of the fence though, we also have very grave setbacks as well. While Jet temporarily boosts one's speed an endurance somewhat, the hallucinations it provides should not be discarded as ignorable. Even though they're harmless at first, even enjoyable in some cases, my studies show that sooner or later, you'll be begging for a release. If you don't believe me, check the results below.

To show the greatest extent of Jet, I constructed a brand new inhaler for our Wanderer. It's basically nothing more than a small gas can, with the inhaling mechanism installed upon it. The container was full of Jet, of course. Although reluctant at first, my brave assistant finally complied and administered the drug to himself, even though it took quite a few gentle squeezes upon the can, before he was able to inhale it all in one go. Quite remarkable of him, to say the least, no?

_Hour 1: Negative on any kind of lung injury from the inhaling. Subject is showing quite the interesting behavior. Apparently, he firmly believes his dead mother is my mercenary friend, and is currently freaking the hell out of him. I already stop him three times from putting several bullets through Wanderer, after all, I already have enough data of injuries._

_Apparently though, my assistant still keeps trying nevertheless, even to the point where I had to barricade the door to keep him from getting 'her' every single Mother's Day gift he'd missed over the years. My mercenary's gruff statement that 'she' was just behind him all this years, now got Wanderer to believe his father's blind, and wants to get to Doc Church. He's quite a handful to contain, that's for sure..._

_Hour 2: After a long while of shouting and sometimes a few punches as well, Wanderer finally understood that my bodyguard is not his mother. This time though, he started acting as though he was in 'Vault 101', as I could decipher from his words. He's been addressing me continuously as Amata, and my mercenary, Butch._

_I have no idea what life he had there, but the fact that he'd been trying to woo me every now and then, indicate he might have known this 'Amata' pretty closely. As for 'Butch'...well, let's just say not much has changed in his reactions, except that even Wanderer's trying to pick a fight with him. He's truly proving to be the perfect test subject._

_Hour 6: Apparently, Jet has a bit shorter duration, than the other two drugs. Already, Wanderer has begun to show quite different reactions, than before. His actions had slowed down considerably, for one thing, a single step sometimes taking him several seconds. Apparently, the first symptom of the addiction is a general freezing._

_His visions seem to have ceased for now, as he no longer believes he's in some Vault. He's responding well to any kind of discussion, although his verbal abilities are rather slow right about now. His eyes seem to twitch every now and then, and it definitely seems as though he has something wrong in his head...although, it probably is just some passing thing._

_Hour 12: Wanderer's getting really, really weird now. In one moment, he's deathly afraid of larger spaces, even simply as large as my shop, then of tiny closed spaces. He seems to be getting scared of every single thing by now. I swear, as I'm typing these words, he's shaking life a leaf, and gazing at my computer as though it would eat him._

_Hour 24: Now we're onto something here! Wanderer began to have hallucinations once more, only the bad kind this time. At first moment, he mistook me for a Feral Ghoul and barricaded himself upstairs...if we hadn't disarmed him right at the start, I think he might have even attempted to shoot me! Right now, he keep screaming like a little girl, claiming that his arms have turned into Mole Rats, and are now chasing him around._

_As amusing as this is, it obviously raises a few concerns of whether Jet should be used all the time, or not. It's pretty bad when someone suddenly claims they need to perform exorcism on someone's comput-[part of the note missing because of computer taken upstairs by Wanderer]_

_Hour 36: Finally, after many hours of screaming(and an embarrassing time spent fixing the computer), he seemed to have calmed down. He looks pretty well now, lying on the bed like a log...although the fact that his hands are in the shape of claws, and he has a scared look on his face, with his mouth open, deducts a little of his glory..._

As you can all see now, while Jet may be one of the most potent drugs out there on the not-so-white market, it's also very dangerous. There are even rumors of a Ghoul-made Ultrajet, that has a massively increased potential. Although I wish we could have tried that out instead, I think this will be sufficient anyway.

_**Subject #4: Psycho**_

Our last drug on the list to try out(it was initially only in the middle, but my assistant says this much will be just enough), is the infamous Psycho, the life-water of every single Raider. According to reports, they're know to carry around at least one dose of this with them, almost as if it was their life-support system. To be blunt, this is one case where I'd support cutting that life-line.

A scientist must always be on a neutral side though, so I'll keep myself under control. Apparently, Psycho is some kind of military drug, according to most reports. It was supposedly designed to assure soldiers would be a lot more quick and bloodthirsty, even to the point of pure sadism.

As with the rest, or even more so, Wanderer was reluctant to take larger doses of Psycho. Luckily though, all it really took was a while of persistent asking to coax him, and so he sacrificed himself once more to provide us more data. About the dose he used this time...well...let's just say he looked like someone had shot a barrage of railway spikes at him. Like always, here are the results:

_Hour 1: Already, he's showing signs of the drug working. In just several minutes, he ran about a mile up and down my shop, with a speed that I seriously can't believe could belong to people. They weren't kidding when they said Psycho psyches people up..._

_I just wish he wouldn't have that empty look in his eyes...it's almost scary..._

_Hour 2: The rounds he's going just grow and grow...my bodyguard already grabbed himself a whiskey, just to calm himself down. I have to admit, I'm growing dizzy as well. He just keeps going though, but in contrast to any earlier time, he doesn't speak a word. He just goes on and off, like a robot._

_Hour 6: Addiction getting pretty clear by now. Psycho is wearing off, and with it, his sudden adrenaline rush. I gave him a little food to recoup, but when I next checked upon him, he had every piece of the food stocked up on his knife, watching them food-morsels with such a glee that seriously scared the hell out of me._

_Hour 12: Okay...things are getting bad now. I still can't get a single word out of him, for scientific purposes, but the gazes he keep giving me just makes the hair stand up on my back. His eyes are growing blood-sharped, and I swear I saw him foaming for a moment! I'm thinking of getting him into one of the rooms for safe keeping, but I'm scared to go even near him!!_

_Hour 24: [notes barely readable, since they were typed rather hastily, and power was dwindling] Insane.........barricaded near the door.....mercenary unconscious.....scared....help....please!...._

_Hour 36: Well...after a long and exciting(and also bone-chilling) hour, Wanderer just suddenly passed out...with a little help of a baseball-bat, true, but still. He was perfectly normal again, once he woke up, although he still seems to have an abnormal taste for blood...and I can't decide whether he's just fooling around, or is serious about it._

I doubt I need to say more about it. By far, Psycho is the worst I've encountered, which eventually lead to Wanderer firmly against the idea of trying any other drug, for the next tree decades even. As you can see though, it's best if you keep far away from this stuff, unless you want to wake to see you've...hospitalized someone.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed our little entourage into the land of hallucinations, fake strength and polluted shining of the mind, along with pure blood-thirst. I'm sure this will enlighten many upon the nature of these drugs, and will convince them not to try them. You know what they say: better irradiated than addicted!


End file.
